So, you are a Mom......and what else?

Recently one of my best friends who is also a mother, candidly confessed to me about her feelings in the role of a mom. She loves her kids to death and cares for them impeccably but often feels that she has lost herself somewhere between changing diapers and feedings. Sounds familiar.........? Her confession left me delving into my own heart and it took me back to the day I found out that I was pregnant with Avi. Only a few days in my whole life matched the excitement and joy I felt that day. A lot of other emotions also followed in the next 40 weeks- panic, nervousness among others. Finally, when Avi arrived after 24 hrs. of labor, I went thru' every emotion known to a new mother, predominantly love. We roomed in together but in the night the nurse offered to take him to the nursery so I could sleep 4 hrs at a stretch. Knowing he was in good hands, I tried resting my body which felt like it had gone thru' a hurricane in the last few hours. After 3 nights at the hospital we brought Avi home in a stormy evening. It was partially the time of the day and the bad weather, but mostly it was the realization of being on our own with Avi that I felt a sense of panic. Surrounded by sure and experienced staff at the hospital, the warm feeling I had looking at my 6 pounds bundle of joy,"how much work a tiny baby like him who wriggles from even the snug fit of car seat belt can be" was replaced with,"oh my God, how am I going to take care of him without all those nurses".Well, even though we both survived the first night without the staff and the nights that followed,it sure would have been a whole lot easier if I had one nurse by my side. Someone who could change the diaper and rock him to sleep in those hours when I needed to sleep too. As much as it gave me a chance to bond with my precious, I know that it would not have been lessened by extra help. In the weeks to follow, when I felt better physically and started getting hang of baby related work, I tried to be super human being, doing it all by myself and doing it all. There had been many situations when I felt proud of myself and many more when I felt like I had lost control over everything, when I felt like falling apart and when I felt like I wasn't doing a good job. Despite my wonderful husband's assurance of me being fabulous at everything, it was hard convincing myself of the same thing. I felt, looked,thought as all those women I never thought I would turn into. And I mean deeper issues than not tweezing eyebrows for months, roots showing for weeks before finding time to color them, putting shirt inside-out, leaving toenails without polish until there is an occassion and the list goes on.........Slowly I settled, made peace with a few changes and took charge of the others,until Neev arrived. They say, two times the children, ten times the work (but they forgot to add, hundred times the joy)! This time I am less anxious and I am not in a hurry for anything . Also, this time I am a 30 something woman, struggling with identity issues - do I just want to be Avi and Neev's mom or do I want my life to count for something else as well. I don't know yet......In time I hope to figure it out but until then I am going to try to be content being me.... as a mother. And I hope this for all my friends who are all dedicated moms , who sometimes feel its selfish to think that there needs to be something else to their wonderful self other than being a mom. I think its as normal as it is to feel the overwhelming love for your children. And its perfectly okay !